My Goodbyes Will Never Be Enough
by Spamano Love Child
Summary: Aya leaves to fight. I think it's set when Renji and Rukia leave for Hueco Mundo, but I'm not sure. Sorry for Toshiro's OOC-ness, but you don't know his relationship with Aya and how it makes him act. I planned on posting that first, but it didn't happen. Sorry! Rated for cursing and attempted suicide. ToshiroxOC
1. The One and Only

_I will follow my Captain, wherever he may go. I will do this because I love him, and I love him because I do this. He has my heart, and I can't help it. Toshiro Hitsugaya, if only you felt the same…_

Her words forever haunted her. Shortly after this, she left, likely to her death. It was all broken. But broken things can be fixed, can't they?

* * *

_You ask the questions I wish to be hidden_

_My eyes water; I realize this is the end_

_It was forbidden_

_But I decided to extend_

_My arm for you_

_So please bear with me_

_My love a new feeling_

_Please hear my plea_

_I would die to keep you together_

_I have played my part_

_I took you for granted_

_Don't let me go from your memories_

_You are my one, my only_

_Though I mean nothing to you_

_At my best_

_I see that you are lonely_

_And that I am too_

_But together is a dream_

_Where I can see_

_All that goes on in your heart_

_Keep your memories of me close, I ask_

_Because no one else will_

_I am gone_

_Forever_

_Captain, I apologize for all the stress I brought upon you. I wish you would have seen that I am not worth it. I'm sorry for leaving, but they're my friends, and I can't abandon them, especially for a love that will never love back. I just wanted you to notice my feelings, but I was too scared to say a thing. I was a coward, and now, my chance is gone. This is it. My last goodbye._

_Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya-_

_I can't even begin to say how much you mean to me. I love you with all that I have. I would stay to the end, but I have been abandoned, and I won't abandon. I am leaving you words on a page, and you've got a place, __**your place**__, for you. I was never meant to be a part of it. I only wish I'd seen that sooner. __Toshiro__, I beg you find your happiness. I hope you can bring yourself to cherish our memories together, so long as I don't drag you down. I hope I was even the least bit of use to you._

_Fuka-_

_You were always a great friend, a great fighter, a great girl! Stay strong, and find that love you've always hoped for. You always were such a hopeless romantic._

_Amane-_

_Please keep Fuka safe, okay? Protect her with all you've got! I will keep you with me until the end, okay?_

_Assistant Captain Rangiku Matsumoto-_

_Rangiku, keep the Captain safe. He's a little hot headed, so be careful! Stay yourself. Everybody loves it._

_Captain Jushiro Ukitake-_

_Thank for all you've done. You sent me to the Soul Society, and gave me a purpose, a use. Thank you._

_Captain Byakuya Kuchiki-_

_I am sorry I couldn't return your feelings for me, like Renji. I sincerely apologize that I had to reject you. You are really an amazing person, so you'll find someone, I'm sure. Keep Rukia safe, will ya?_

_Yumichika-_

_I'm not sure what to say. Thank you for taking care of me, always worrying about me. It means a lot._

_Ikkaku-_

_Your bankai rocks. Keep at it, okay? God, I sound so indifferent! Sorry!  
_

_Hanataro-_

_I admire you in every single way. Keep up the good work!_

_Captain Retsu Unohana-_

_Thank you for constantly healing me, and taking care of my body when I wouldn't. You kept me alive, though, I'm throwing it all away now. I'm sorry._

_Assistant Captain Isane Kotetsu-_

_You are a generally hilarious person. I thank you for all the laughs, and smiles._

_Captain Shunsui Ky_ōraku-

_You are awesome. I liked your novel, I swear. Thanks for the help, by the way. Goodbye!_

_Assistant Captain Momo Hinamori-_

_Keep Captain happy, okay? And, sweetie, Aizen isn't the person you thought you knew. Please try to understand that. I was betrayed be the person I was closest to, too, so I understand._

_Everyone, I thank you all for having used me, giving me a purpose. Stay strong, and fight! I know that I'm horrible, leaving you like this. I can't help but laugh, though. This sounds like a suicide note! Hell, it very well may be. It's too damn likely that I'll die. I guess this'll never be enough, because I feel a horrible pain in my chest. I suppose, my goodbyes will never be enough._

_Sincerely,_

_Former Third Seat of the Tenth Company, Aya Fukushima_

I crumpled the paper in my hand. Ukitake stared at me, along with the Captain General and Rangiku. Tear stung my eyes, and I tried to hold them back. Slowly, Rangiku put a hand on my shoulder. Ukitake opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to find words. Finally, he settled with,

"Did you love her?" My chest felt tight, and my face felt hot. I felt like I was going to burst in anger and misery. I felt Rangiku's hand tighten on my shoulder.

"Damn it, of course I did! And that foolish girl didn't understand! Why couldn't she just wait a _little_ longer, damn it…" I couldn't keep the tears back any longer. I wrenched myself out of her grasp, and _ran_. I heard my name and title being called, but I didn't go back, and they didn't follow. I kept my head down, muttering and apology if I ran into someone. I began to hear whispers about me, but I couldn't care. _She was gone._

I ran to Aya's room, locking the door, tearing through her things, looking for something, anything, to make me feel better. I heard a howl of misery, and realized it was mine; and that scared me. I heard knocking on the door, asking of my well-being, and questions of why I was there. A sudden, gentle voice interfered, and quietly, the people left. _Rangiku_. She knocked, asking me to open the door. I ignored her, having found something. Aya's I Pod.

I turned it on desperately, shoving headphones on. I looked at the screen, putting it on random. Iridescent by Linkin Park. As the song played, I continued rummaging, the pain growing worse.

**You were standing in the wake of devastation  
And you were waiting on the edge of the unknown  
And with the cataclysm raining down  
Insides crying "Save me now"  
You were there, impossibly alone**

I'd found a notebook, with a cover titled "Now?" I opened up to the first page.  
**  
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?  
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known  
Remember all the sadness and frustration  
And let it go. Let it go**

There were quotes.

**And in a burst of light that blinded every angel  
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars  
You felt the gravity of tempered grace  
Falling into empty space  
No one there to catch you in their arms**

"There are many types of pain. The only one that aspirin won't help is a hurting heart. That's why there is alcohol."  
― Brian MacLearn

**Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?**  
**You build up hope, but failure's all you've known**  
**Remember all the sadness and frustration**  
**And let it go. Let it go**

"Why do you think you deserve happily ever after? You were offered it before and tossed it away."  
― Donna Lynn Hope

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?  
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known  
Remember all the sadness and frustration  
And let it go. Let it go

"She has been surprised by grief, its constancy, its immediacy, its unrelenting physical pain."  
― Michelle Latiolais, _Widow: Stories_

Let it go  
Let it go  
Let it go  
Let it go

"So often, the discarded love of youth is desperately yearned for in maturity."  
― Wayne Gerard Trotman

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?  
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known  
Remember all the sadness and frustration  
And let it go. Let it go

"You mean to tell me you're mourning the loss of someone who never existed?"  
― Taylor Nadeau, _The Death of Edwin Hubble_

How much pain did she feel? If only I'd told her somehow, sooner, at all, maybe things would be different. Just maybe. I flipped the page to find a sketch of me, sitting on a hill during a winter sunset. The snow fell around me softly, and you could see miles of ocean, just in the picture. On the back of the page was a poem;

My love is guilty

And never to be returned

I should feel nothing

Yet, I feel it all

Should the time I ever want to cry

I cannot

Because I would be a disgrace even more

Toshiro **deserves** much better

Captain **wants** much better

He **is** much better than I

I didn't have any energy left. I sighed, feeling the dried up tears being replaced with fresh ones, and listened to the music. The Grey by Icon For Hire.

**I am standing on the edge of returning or just running away  
I am letting myself look the other way  
And the hardest part in all of this is I don't think I know my way back home  
Is it worth the journey or do I let my heart settle here?**

Rangiku was pounding on the door, now. I laid against the dresser.

**How cold have I become  
I didn't want to  
Lose you by what I'd done  
Caught in the grey**

She broke in, along with Ukitake. I simply sung along.

**I don't wanna look you in the eyes, you might call my away  
I don't wanna give you the chance to make me stay  
And the hardest part in all of this is  
I know my way back, I don't want to go  
And let you see all that has become of me**

I curled in myself as they approached. What a weakling.

**I should've know, I should've known  
I didn't have a chance**

My shoulders shook, and Ukitake picked me up. I kept a tight hold on the items.

**How cold have I become  
I didn't want to  
Lose you by what I'd done  
Caught in the grey  
It burns for a moment but  
But then it numbs you  
Takes you and leaves you just  
Caught in the grey**

He laid me on my bed. Rangiku brought me an icepack.

**In your deepest pain  
In your weakest hour  
In you darkest night  
You are lovely**

I had a fever. I'd made myself sick.

**In your deepest pain  
In your weakest hour  
In your darkest night  
You are lovely**

How foolish. Who does that?

**How cold have I become  
I didn't want to  
Lose you by what I'd done  
Caught in the grey  
It burns for a moment but  
But then it numbs you  
Takes you and leaves you just  
Caught in the grey**  
Ukitake made me tea, putting nothing in it. I began to calm down.

**In your deepest pain  
In your weakest hour  
In your darkest night  
You are lovely**

They called in Captain Unohana. She recommended bed rest and lots of tea and encouragement.

**In your deepest pain  
In your weakest hour  
In your darkest night  
You are lovely**  
I couldn't believe this was happening. _Aya…_

**I am standing on the edge of returning or just running away**

Rangiku gave me a pill. I fell asleep…

I heard murmured voices. About four of them. One male and three female. I groaned as I sat up, feeling sweaty and feeling a headache. Cold, slender hands immediately pushed me back onto the bed.

"You've got to rest, Captain. Captain Unohana's orders," I opened my eyes weakly to see Rangiku hovering above me. I also saw Ukitake, Fuka, and Amane. I pushed her away, sighing.

"Why are you all here?"

"Captain Unohana said so. Here," Fuka said, handing me a cup of tea with nothing in it. Amane helped my head up, Rangiku refusing to let me sit up completely. Ukitake gave me a pill. Just before I swallowed it, I looked for the notebook and the I Pod. I found the I Pod and headphones right next to me, and the notebook on my nightstand. I reached for it, and it was _just_ out of reach. Fuka looked at me apologetically, before handing it to me.

"Thank you," I whispered, and put the I Pod on, once again picking a random song. I swallowed the pill and fell asleep within a minute.

The next time I woke up, there was no one there. I felt relieved; not only did I no longer feel sick, no one could stop me from what I was about to do. All of the sudden, I noticed something taped to my forehead. I sighed, knowing Rangiku was the culprit, and ripped it off. It was a note written in red ink.

_**Captain!**_

_**We went out on some training. Be back around 3:30! When you wake up, Captain Unohana says to take another pill!**_

_**-Rangiku**_

I smiled, looking at the time. 12:22. Definitely enough time. I stood up, supporting myself against the wall (I still wasn't completely healed). I made my way to my bathroom, where I sat on the floor. As much as I loved Aya, I had no faith in her. There was no way she could defeat Aizen. Everybody knew that. So, she would either become spirit particles or be reincarnated as a human. _I could join her._

Possibly. There was the chance that even that wouldn't happen. Was it worth the risk? The risk of needlessly throwing my life away? What if one of the others saved her? Or, what if she actually made it through on her own, because of herself? Well, as selfless as Ichigo was, there was no way he'd be able to protect them all. Yes, it was worth the risk.

I pulled out Hyōrinmaru, sighing. I heard protesting in my mind, yet I ignored it. I would not listen to anything, especially reasons to stop. I pushed the tip to my chest, right above my heart. I put pressure on the blade, drawing a drop of blood. I pulled the sword back, and thrust it towards me.

I heard a crash, and I was slammed to the floor. Hyōrinmaru clattered against the tile, and the back of my head smashed against the cabinet. There were yells, and I was kept on the floor due to the weight of another body. I groaned, and turned my head to face who it was. _Fuka_.

I must've been glaring or something, because she 'eeped,' and jumped away, hiding behind Amane. I looked around to see an embarrassingly large group of people in my bathroom: Rangiku, Fuka, Amane, Byakuya, Ukitake, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Izuru, Shunsui, Shuhei, Soi-Fon, Hanataro, and Nanao. Rangiku had tears in her eyes as she ran towards me, scooping me into a hug.

"Captain, don't scare me like that. If we hadn't gotten here in time…" I realized with a start that she was crying. Guilt rose to my throat, leaving me unable to speak. Ukitake put a hand on her shoulder, looking at me with sad eyes. I could barely stand it.

"Never again. Understand?" Amane threatened, and I gave out a choked laugh. I felt tears run down my face, and I realized I couldn't stop them. My sobbing was loud, heartbroken. The only one with a straight face was Byakuya, and yet through my tears I saw some regret and worry in his eyes. I remembered Byakuya had lost his wife, Hisana. _What kind of person am I?_

Finally, our tears stopped, and there was an awkward silence. Fuku was still holding on tightly to Amane, but she had moved up next to her. Unable to stand the silence, I spoke.

"H-how?" My voice cracked. Rangiku smiled, wiping away the rest of her tears.

"I felt like something was wrong. We were all put together for the training, so we all came. Captain, I…" Rangiku seemed unsure if herself, and I felt ashamed. It was my fault, after all.

"Look, I'm sorry. I know what I did was stupid, but…Without Aya, I just…" I was at a loss for words. I looked around helplessly.

"We know. Don't worry, though. She'll be okay. I know her goodbye's weren't enough, so you just have to wait until she comes back to say hello," Shunsui reasoned. I couldn't help but smile.

"Thank you, everyone…"


	2. Author Has A Note!

**A/N: Hey, so I was thinking of adding another chapter, maybe some Aya-Toshiro romance action? What do you guys think? Leave a review with your opinion! Whichever has the most votes happens! Can't promise when, but…**

**With lotsa love,**

**Lin Lin/Mannie (You decide...)**


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